Fabulous Friday #2

Or should I say, unfabulous. I feel like absolute junk. Rather crushed-car like, except not quite so skinny (or dirty, eww).

This week, I let everything go. I barely tracked. Food was my pacifier, in essence.

That’s not really a new occurrence. It seems that any time I’m sick or something bad happens to me, as was the case this week, I give myself permission to eat whatever I want. This week because I got a few miniscule bits of skin hacked off (wear sunscreen, folks, okay?) and a few stitches, I surely deserved two ice cream cones in one day, right?

Wrong. If I were my own parent, I’d be the worst kind: the kind that can’t say no. Those kinds of parents create the delightful little monsters that are all too frequently found; I’ve created a monster out of myself. I seem to have the mindset that if I want something, why shouldn’t I have it?

Indeed, why shouldn’t I be allowed to eat til I’m content, until I’ve eaten so much junk that I’ve nearly made myself ill? Because it’s stupid. I’m essentially filling a trash bag with long-term happiness and my goals and dreams and heaving it into a dumpster in exchange for a few candy bars. Again, STUPID. 

What I know is that I’m not happy with myself right now. I know that I can do this. I’m just choosing not to, and that makes me so ashamed of and disappointed in myself. It makes me feel like I am letting every single person who reads this blog, every single person who supports me, down more than ever.

But I can’t go about this because I feel guilty, because I feel like I deserve to be punished for my misdeeds. I tried to lose weight that way before, and it didn’t work. I need to do this because I love me. I need to do this because I feel that I deserve to be a happy, fulfilled person.

As I sit here on a Friday night, working on my new plans and techniques, I know that I need to be positive. Hopeful. Excited.

Determined.

So this is me, taking a moment to reflect on my mistakes, my failures, and then leaving them behind. I’m taking my inspiration from this quote by Corita Kent: “Flowers grow out of dark moments.”

Tomorrow I face the scale and the road ahead.

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4 thoughts on “Fabulous Friday #2

  1. You can do it, girlfriend!! Keep up with the positive attitude and remember how far you’ve come – every day, and every meal is an opportunity to get back on track!! 🙂 So proud of you!!

  2. Stick with it LM. There will always be a bump in the road, even when you’re at goal. That’s just the way life is. You’ll get through it, and you’ll be a little smarter, a little stronger, and hopefully a little lighter each time you pick yourself up. You’re not letting anyone down, this is you WLJ, and you’re the only person you need to answer to at the end of the day. Rock on lady, I know you can do it!

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