Or should I say, unfabulous. I feel like absolute junk. Rather crushed-car like, except not quite so skinny (or dirty, eww).
This week, I let everything go. I barely tracked. Food was my pacifier, in essence.
That’s not really a new occurrence. It seems that any time I’m sick or something bad happens to me, as was the case this week, I give myself permission to eat whatever I want. This week because I got a few miniscule bits of skin hacked off (wear sunscreen, folks, okay?) and a few stitches, I surely deserved two ice cream cones in one day, right?
Wrong. If I were my own parent, I’d be the worst kind: the kind that can’t say no. Those kinds of parents create the delightful little monsters that are all too frequently found; I’ve created a monster out of myself. I seem to have the mindset that if I want something, why shouldn’t I have it?
Indeed, why shouldn’t I be allowed to eat til I’m content, until I’ve eaten so much junk that I’ve nearly made myself ill? Because it’s stupid. I’m essentially filling a trash bag with long-term happiness and my goals and dreams and heaving it into a dumpster in exchange for a few candy bars. Again, STUPID.
What I know is that I’m not happy with myself right now. I know that I can do this. I’m just choosing not to, and that makes me so ashamed of and disappointed in myself. It makes me feel like I am letting every single person who reads this blog, every single person who supports me, down more than ever.
But I can’t go about this because I feel guilty, because I feel like I deserve to be punished for my misdeeds. I tried to lose weight that way before, and it didn’t work. I need to do this because I love me. I need to do this because I feel that I deserve to be a happy, fulfilled person.
As I sit here on a Friday night, working on my new plans and techniques, I know that I need to be positive. Hopeful. Excited.
So this is me, taking a moment to reflect on my mistakes, my failures, and then leaving them behind. I’m taking my inspiration from this quote by Corita Kent: “Flowers grow out of dark moments.”
Tomorrow I face the scale and the road ahead.