8

Week Seventy-Seven Results + Status Update

All right, let’s just get something unpleasant out of the way, shall we?

Starting stats:
Weight: 247 lbs.
BMI: 36.5

Today’s stats:
Weight: 176.2 lbs.
BMI: 26.0

I’ve made my peace with that number, mostly because things have been going AWESOMELY.

For starters, I’ve shaken things up a bit. My doctor recommended me to set my goal weight at 165 lbs. Uh… k, well, I’ve been relatively close to that weight and I wasn’t in a happy place with how I look, to say the least. But I also realize that while I may, someday, be able to get down to 145 lbs., I’m likely going to have a body shape (stick-figure) that I’m not happy with and never really wanted in the first place. I want to look less Callista Flockhart circa her Ally McBeal days, more Wonder Woman.

So I changed my goal weight. I’m now shooting for 157, a total weight loss of 90 lbs.

Also – even though it’s been less than a week since my new course of treatment, my night eating has been reduced to only once per night. This is a big change from the two, three, even four or five times I used to get up. The other night, I got up to (TMI) use the little girls’ room, and actually passed by the fridge on my way back. You read correctly… I went back to sleep without having to eat something. This NEVER happens.

And I decided to stop trying to count points for what I eat at night. Trying to put back together wrapper pieces to see how many total items there were, count bread slices to see how many are missing, etc., drive me crazy and cause me so much anxiety. Now that it’s only happening once per night, I’m just going to consider my weekly points allowance as covering what I eat during the night.

Though I feel like I’m cheating a little bit. Ever since I started taking Prozac, I’m not hungry. At all. I could happily go all day and not think of food. I still eat all my points because I plan my meals ahead of time, but I’m not starving and always looking forward to my next consumable item like I was before. With just that alone, I feel like a big weight has been lifted off of me.

The bottom line: things are better. And I hope they keep getting better.

‘Cause I’m gifting myself with that smartphone when I hit 172 again.

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9

Tears In the Dark

If you’re looking for a post with my signature humor, this definitely isn’t it.

First of all: if you’re unsure as to what night eating syndrome is, please visit MD Junction’s night eating syndrome site.

Yesterday I visited my doctor and essentially said, “I’ve had it. I’m done. I’m at the end of my rope.” regarding night eating syndrome. Before my appointment I had made a list of all the negative ways it was impacting my life. Here are a select few excerpts:

  • lighting food wrappers on fire in the microwave (trying to get food unfrozen)
  • cutting apples in the dark with a sharp knife (not sure why all my fingers are yet intact)
  • ruining my teeth (brush and floss all you want, if you eat sugary things all night you’re not going to have perfect pearly whites)

And of course, there’s the big one: if you are on a weight loss plan, and you eat 1/3, half, or most of your calories during the night, where does that leave you during the day? It leaves you royally effed. You can choose to either a) starve or b) not care and eat way more calories than you can consume and still lose weight.

Then there’s the guilt. It would take me pages and pages to detail the emotional effects. Deep down, I know it’s not my fault, but when I felt so strong and confident in my abilities to lose weight for so long, and now to feel like I’m a complete failure… It’s brutal.

Why hasn’t it impacted my weight loss before this, you may be asking. First, let me say that I’ve been hovering around the same weight since November. When you’re on Weight Watchers, you receive a certain amount of points to eat every day. The more you weigh, the more points you receive. The less you weigh, the less points you get. When I had more points to consume every day, I had more leeway to screw up, if that makes any sense. Now, I get so few points as it is, that night eating has at times left me with as little as 7 points (approx. 400 calories) to eat during the day.

I’m feeling very thankful for my doctor this morning. Not all doctors would have listened as patiently as I told her I can’t even buy bread anymore because I’ll eat the entire loaf at night, or taken the time to read the articles I had printed out and brought with me, and searched her database for solutions.

Which brings me to the solution: it’s something that I never, ever wanted. And I debated even posting it here, because there is such a stigma attached to it. But I consider my weight loss journey an open book to anyone who wants to read it, and this is part of my journey.

My doctor’s suggestion? Since night eating syndrome is related to a drop in serotonin at night, let’s try 20 mg. of Prozac every day.

I am, in general, opposed to what I feel is an overmedication of America. I have never, ever, wanted to take drugs of this kind, for any reason. So I consider it a mark of my desperation and essential surrender that I am agreeing to this.

I’m giving it five weeks. If it doesn’t correct or drastically improve my night eating, then it’s getting the boot and I’ll be sitting in my doctor’s office near tears once again.

4

Week Seventy-Five Results

Well, a loss is a loss. I’m down .2 lbs. from my weigh-in last week.

More importantly, I’m scheduled for a doctor’s visit next week. This time, I am not going to let her brush off my night eating as a non-issue. This is srs bizness. I’ve lit shet on fire and everything, this is not something to ignore any longer. And I’m tired of being hungry after eating half of my calories while I’m not even fully conscious.

Good stuff: I’m back to pounding the pavement in my running shoes. I’m running the Fishy Four Mile in Chetek, Wis., in July with my sister and brother-in-law, and then I’m running my hometown’s 10K about a week after that.

Yeah, I’m batshetcrazy. What more can I say?

Starting stats:
Weight: 247 lbs.
BMI: 36.5

Today’s stats:
Weight: 172.8 lbs.
BMI: 25.5

7

Weeks Seventy-Three and Seventy-Four Results

Well, I’m just a regular broken record, aren’t I?

Week 73: gain. Week 74: gain.

Granted, this last weigh-in, I had to step on the scale in the middle of the day, so I’m really not sure what I weigh.

Why did I become overweight in the first place?

^^^ I don’t know. Or maybe I do, but I can’t verbalize it. So this is it: as loathe as I am to do it, I have to go talk with someone and get things fixed. I have to stop eating in the middle of the night. Have to… I keep eating all my Points in the night and then starving all day. I can’t do it.

The skinny – I can’t continue on like this. I have to fix the roots of my problems, or else slapping a Band-Aid on their symptoms means nothing.

Week 73 Results:

Starting stats:
Weight: 247 lbs.
BMI: 36.5

Today’s stats:
Weight: 170.2 lbs.
BMI: 25.1

Week 74 Results:

Starting stats:
Weight: 247 lbs.
BMI: 36.5

Today’s stats:
Weight: 173 lbs.
BMI: 25.5

3

Fabulous Friday #7

Well, this week has oozed fail all over the place. My ticket is secured on the S.S. Failboat, seriously.

I say no to a lot of things. It’s the reason I don’t buy the boxes of doughnuts and cookies that beckon seductively at the entrance to my local grocery store. I’ve said no to restaurant fettucine alfredo for the entire time I’ve been on Weight Watchers. I don’t think I’ve scarfed down a Blizzard from DQ in more than a year.

And yet… sometimes I just can’t do it. I still can’t let go of the Princess Mentality – if I want something, why shouldn’t I have it? Argh. Why indeed.

So I’m honestly not sure what the scale’s going to look like tomorrow. But whatever it is, I’m going to be okay. I’m going to keep going down this crazy and incredibly difficult journey. The only way I’d give up is if someone pries my points calculator out of my cold, dead hand, to use an extreme cliché.

5

Week Seventy-Two Results/Fabulous… Tuesday?

Have you ever wanted to smash the power button on your computer, wedge it tightly in a box, and make it keep company with the dust bunnies in the back of your closet for a while? I did. As much as I love my computer, the internet, my blog, etc., sometimes you just need to step away. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m constantly plugged into something.

So I sent my laptop on vacay and focused on the non-electronic world for a while. But, as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Here I am, refreshed, and working harder than ever so that I can finally open the box of my new phone.

Okay, at Saturday’s weigh-in: I stayed exactly the same. I’m cool with that!

Starting stats:
Weight: 247 lbs.
BMI: 36.5

Today’s stats:
Weight: 169 lbs.
BMI: 25.0

Last week was good in general. I worked out, tried new foods, had a *gasp* beer… it was great. This week I’m stressing a little because I’ll be going to my sister’s cabin and I’m sure we’ll be going out on their new boat and I might be persuaded to take a ride on the jet ski. You know what that means…

(You must read this next phrase out loud in a whisper with a properly horrified tone, and your hands either over your eyes or at either side of your mouth ala Home Alone.)

A swimsuit.

In pub-lic. (Thanks, Ron White, for forever ruining my pronunciation of this word.)

Don’t get me wrong, I feel pretty good about my body these days. But as I explained to the fab. @cindyelizabeth on Twitter last night, it’s one thing to think you look okay when covered with clothing and another when you’re essentially wearing a stretchy bra and underwear in broad daylight.

I’m also really excited because this week I’m going to post my first “real” product review EVAR. I kind of feel like an actual blogger now, lol.

And this is just for Meg, because I think she doesn’t believe I really have a psuedo-bike under my desk:

This is surely going to be fodder for people to make fun of me. Oh well! I'll live.